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my emotion, existence, everything.
i hate this.
i don't want to hurt the people around me, i don't know what i can do.
i'm so helpless but..
I wanna quote from one of my small group girls:
"Sometimes we just have to let go and let God. His perfect plan will ultimately bring the best in us to glorify His name."
...am i allowed to cry again?
but today I can't sleep and it's already morning.
Too much to do, so little time. and that's because of procrastination(which is what I really hate right now, but it seems like it's grabbed me and I'm trying to get out).
Christmas To-Do List:
1. Get/make presents for everyone
2. Watch LOTR-the whole thing
3. Read The Little Prince
4. Lose 5 pounds by the end of December b/c of a bet w/ my mom
5. (figure out school stuff if I have to)
6. Music for wedding- May Bukas Pa, another tagalog song, etc...
...I know I have loads more to do, but if I don't sleep now, I think I won't be sane tomorrow.
주말잘 보네새요.--> supposed to be...have a great weekend, but there's only one more weekend day left. and plus, I just wanted to play around with my korean keyboard lol.
haven't i said this before?
i think i say that too much, because of course, life does not involve only blogging.
and midterms, tests, books- it's usually things like these that stresses me out.
but the latter- the book part, i've learned to rest in.
Like the Bible, even some studying stuff, and of course, along for the ride by sarah dessen.
One of those stable things, like numbers, i've found that reading helps me contemplate and even understand myself better.
okay, back to reading =]
1 week.
San Quentin.
I helped with my church's VBS two weeks ago and I was a small group leader for a conference.
But now?
I think i'm more stressed than both those events put together.
I'm scared, stressed, and so inept.
While my friends are part-time working and/or taking summer classes, i've been practically doing nothing but babysitting and/or "galavanting" as my parents would call it.
I feel like a slacker, sloth, lazy person, and ultimate failure.
I've been comparing myself to other people, and worrying about my own future.
I'm confused, heartbroken, and lost.
With all the things that God has given me, I feel like a loser, not being able to use my talents to the fullest and using those "talents" the way God wants me to.
I'm a coward and stupid-head.
So...
I'm going to give this to Jesus.
I'm going to lay myself and my burdens at his feet.
I'm going to let Him use me tomorrow when I leave for Mexico..
and I hope and want to and so badly wish to obey His will.
Lord, Hosanna.
temporary things.
temporary highs.
all not worth it.
yet i keep going back to them.
I want to remember this instead:
LOVE IS HERE
As for Mike’s message to Tenth Avenue North Fans? “I would say, without sounding overly spiritual, believe the gospel. You don’t have to be ‘good enough’ for God. God was good enough for you. So live a life of obedience. A lot of people talk about how we need to love God, but we can only love God when we accept the fact that He loves us and accept what He’s done for us.”http://www.ccmmagazine.com/news/stories/1
I made a song for you, my friend
I made a song that I will sing for you
Filling my life with many beautiful lights
And a thousand melodies
You are my paradise
I made a song for you, my dream
I made a song that I will sing for you, my friend
Falling in love with every part of your life
Until the end of time
I love you more
than my life
I wanna know you more
When you call me an angel
When you closely look into my eyes
Even though my love for you may fade away
I wanna give you more than words ever say
Cause I believe in you
And my song will fill the air when we’re apart
Even though my love for you may fade away
I wanna let my words be true to the end of time
Cause I believe you’ll never forget
and I won’t forget the song in my heart
Every time when I was down
You always came around
And you love all the lights in my life
I am gonna sing forever
I am gonna sing forever
Close your eyes
I wanna give you more than words ever said
Cause I believe in you
And my song will fill the air when we’re apart
Even though my love for you may fade away
I wanna let my words be true to the end of time
Cause I believe you’ll never forget
And I won’t forget this song in my heart
I wanna sing for you my friend
I wanna sing for you with all my heart
I wanna sing for you my dream
I wanna sing for you my..
I really have mixed emotions.
I don't know if this is where I want my life to be heading, but I seriously feel like I am just wandering.
Yet whether or not I want my life to be going this way, I want to know what God wants me to do.
Because once I know that, then maybe I can be a little more courageous in what I'm doing now.
But I also know that with faith comes many doubts and fears that I must confront without knowing what God wants me to do.
And I really think that I'm asking for the wrong knowledge.
I should rather be asking myself whether or not I really trust God enough to know that He loves me and that he'll guide me albeit any knowledge on my part.
why is this so difficult?
no eating.
30 hours.
30HF.
yet why do i have my own misgivings about this? and uselessness?..
my feelings don't make sense..
not good looking enough.
not smart enough.
too weird to fit in.
that one group i was always jealous of.
maybe just because, I'm looking for my worth in all the wrong places.
And my writing sucks.
So how.. can i ever ...do whatever i'm supposed to do?
Just when I thought the sun came out today, the devil always encloses everything and repeatedly comes back to snatch hope and to attack people with temptations.
It's a daily struggle.
It's a fight.
It's a war.
can i really live for you Lord?
i really wish.. i really want to..
Lord, Hosanna.
now.
and i'm tired.
and no one reads this anyways.
especially about ...
when can i help others without placing too much a burden on everyone else?
being obsessed with any korean celebrity or person does not help at all.
neither does spiraling into a vicious cycle of wanting to know gossip or the incredulous news, of whatever or whoever i'm interested in, that happen to be everywhere on the internet?
Why Am I so stupid?!
and also just being unproductive, messy, and just ARGHHH!!
i'm just so fed up with myself.
tomorrow is a retreat.
retreat to God, snow, and the youth group.
maybe in the cold, i can lose the things i need to let go.
the things that clutter so much of my life, but hard to let go.
habits, favorites, wants, desires.
i want to give it up and at the same time, i don't want to.
- Mood:
aggravated
in the last hour. I was just at the hospital all day today. and just got home. and only after we came home, did i hear the news.
he's the dad of my dad. I knew him when I was little. He always gave me money on my birthday and christmas. He was always a presence within the family. Even though I was not as close to him as my dad or my cousins who took care of him, i've been sad. and i dont think it has hit me yet.
please pray for my dad. he's the youngest of 9 children. My grandfather had many grandchildren-30 actually(i remember because I counted for my family tree once..)
I actually didn't want to go to the hospital to visit today. My dad woke me up at 8:45 am and dragged me along to visit lolo. I was there till 7pm. And lolo was still ok when I left.
My Lolo was in the ICU. The doctor only gave him a few days to live because all his organs were failing, he got pneumonia, colitis and something they said that sounded like sepsis. Only his heart was beating. and his heart was strong. The nurse was surprised that his heart was still beating and that the oxygen rate didn't go as rapidly as other patients did.
My dad was singing Dahil sa iyo -a filipino love song to my lolo this morning. Even though my lolo was on machines and was in a coma state, our family knew that lolo could still hear us(because my aunt and the nurse said
that the last thing people lose when they are dying is their hearing). So my dad was singing, and even though my lolo couldn't move and couldn't see-he was in a coma-like state- to me he looked like he was just sleeping, we could tell that lolo could hear us. Lolo had tears in his eyes when my dad sang. His eyes moved when we talked to him this morning and afternoon. But the few hours before I had to go, my dad kept saying that he wasn't responsive anymore.
I felt his hand that morning. I thanked him for all the money he had given me, because really, I looked forward to it every year. But what I really said was salamat po. bea 'to. mano po. all my broken tagalog. His hand was cold and swollen, but I knew that he heard me. I tried my best to speak my best tagalog, but my voice was wavering because I couldn't help but choke back the tears.
I didn't really want to cry.
I didn't.
Psalm 23.
Why don't i just stop ranting and start doing something...
right for once.
instead of giving in to spiritual attacks, and rather running away from the battle, then really fight against it.
I haven't been winning the battles lately. I know of course, that the war has already been overcome, but my own battles are really struggling.
and then on the other side of the spectrum, my likes of guys have been waning. or actually obsolete, only for me to hold resentment within my memories and idols or fantasies of what guys could be like(especially because of asian dramas).And I know it's self-destructive. This is definitely what I have been struggling with. To exercise self-control, to let go, to do what's right.
I do have goals.. but they are so vague. Just like my writing. Just like my grades. Just like my way of expression. Speaking or writing.
